There were two pink lines on the pregnancy test. I was excited but I was terrified at the same time. I called the doctor right away and she brought me into the office for an early ultrasound because of my history. Though Ned was keeping calm, I was so nervous that I could hardly breathe. The same office, the same room, the same hallway I walked through again and again hearing bad news after bad news. We hoped to hear the baby’s heartbeat this time. But… no heartbeat. My heart skipped a beat. I was so scared. But I prayed, knowing it was out of my control. We were instructed to come back the following week, a very long and slow week.
Today, I sit here with another cup of chai, in front of the same window, but this time the sun is bright, my heart is bursting with joy, and my eyes are welling up with happy tears. We are pregnant! We went back and saw our baby moving & kicking and the heart beating. I cried. I couldn’t believe that such a beautiful little human being was growing inside of me. I kept asking, “Is that really inside of me?” The ultrasound video of our baby is on our phone, and we watch it almost every day. Ned and I pray for our baby and choose to believe everything will go well. Second trimester begins, we’ve heard the beautiful sound of our baby’s heart beat three times in the past 13 weeks. The first trimester of pregnancy has been easy. I can handle the headaches, nausea, and cravings. It’s fighting my fears and choosing to hope for the best that has been a challenge.
I know now that I don’t have to control my difficult circumstances, but I do have a choice how I respond during those times. When negative thoughts flooded my mind, I chose to speak the exact opposite. My mind, emotions, and spirit needed reminding of my foundation of truth. The truth is that I am strong. I am surrounded by people that love me. And I have my best friend, Ned, who is full of grace and never stops loving me. Sure there are bad days, but I have constant reminders of love in my life and every day I choose to conquer fear and anxiety. There is an incredible amount of strength inside the human heart if we choose to dig deep and find it. One thing I’ve learned during our trying times is that we can either let the circumstances crash on us or we can learn to ride on top of those intimidating waves. I am learning to see hardships as part of the journey to maturity. Character is built during the hard times.
I never imagined going through such a tough time like we did when I wrote “Choosing Hope in The Midst of Brokenness”, but looking back, I am so glad Ned and I did it together and with courage. There was one loss after the next. Our doctor discovered after three surgeries that it was a tissue left behind from the first miscarriage that caused the second. It was very painful to face the loss, but I knew I had to deal with it right away because I couldn’t stay in my pain and confusion. We took a few months to focus on our relationship, rest, heal, and love on each other. Thankfully, my doctor is incredibly gracious and kept reassuring me that we would get pregnant soon.
Ned and I are having our baby, and this beautiful soul is due to arrive on Valentine’s Day. My entire life is changing. I feel like my life has already changed in so many ways. A good friend said to me, “I know people see you as a businesswoman, cook, artist, etc., but God calls you a mom”. Those words hit me so hard that I cried for days. I have so many identities and goals in life, but none seemed better than becoming a mom. From then on I chose to operate from a mother’s heart in preparation for the future. I hugged when someone was hurting. I gave when someone was in need. I called if I thought of someone. I took every opportunity to hold and play with my friends’ babies. I allowed my heart to stay soft. And I’m glad I’ve stayed soft-hearted because I’ll need it when this baby arrives and I get the privilege of becoming a mommy.
Being a creative person, I see life as a beautiful painting bursting with colors. Some colors are dark and some are light. Some are vibrant and some are dull. But each always complements the other. Dark brings out the light. Dull highlights the vibrant. It all has a purpose. All of it belongs together on a canvas to create a dynamic masterpiece and we have to embrace it all.
Everyone who loved on us this past year has brought us so much life. Each kind word, hug, text, prayer, message, gift, visit, and encouragement has kept our hearts alive. Thank you, family and friends, for loving on us so well. Your encouraging words and acts of kindness brought us healing this past year. Your love and prayers have brought life and I can’t wait to share this beautiful life with you all. We’re glad we held on to hope even in the midst of our brokenness.
Hope: a feeling of expectation & desire for a certain thing to happen.